Relational Discipleship: “Non-stick surfaces for sticky situations”

Chapter II.

“Non-stick surfaces for sticky situations”

Years ago when I worked as a youth pastor in New England I learned the inseparable value of relationship to discipline students. Although I would like to think my amazing messages and creative illustrated sermons did the trick, I have come to realize in retrospect that it was the tireless hours of hang time, road trips and moments of relationship that gave weight to my words. I honestly believe some of the most effective moments I had with students didn’t take place from behind the pulpit, but rather in taco bell before church, home depot on an errand or the living room of homes as we laughed, played games and practiced human videos (When they were actually cool). I’m glad to say so many of these students, I mean friends, have gone on to prepare for ministry. I have even had the privilege of teaching a few of them in my classes at the Bible College I serve at currently. Nothing has made me prouder as a youth pastor than to see so many of our kids further the call of their lives we discovered together through relational discipleship.

My first mentor, Brian Griswold, told me that life is like a football game. The first half everyone tries to execute the play that will make them famous. When half time comes and you’re loosing, you realize it’s not the great play, but the meaningful and strategic one that will win the game for you. I will never forget my half time moment. It was the day a students mother introduced me to her son Mat. Matt believed he was born gay, and although he felt tremendous guilt for his actions, he also believed his genetic structure produced the life style and passion of his behavior beyond his ability to control. In novice arrogance I took the challenge of working with this young man. Little did I realize that our roles of student and teacher would be reversed?

My challenge to Matt was based on a belief that if he just put himself in proximity to the preaching and teaching of Gods word, somehow he would miraculously be transformed and realized his sin and repents to experience the freedom of Christ. I told him for the next six months to read his Bible every day, attend youth group and church each time the doors were opened and be open. It seemed like a good plan. Little did I realize it would explode in my face? I’m sorry to say at the end of the journey Matt remained unconvinced I was right and walked out the door. At first I convinced myself the reason he didn’t change was insincerity on his part. At least that administered anesthesia to the gnawing of failure in my soul. But I believe some of the responsibility fell upon the flawed philosophy of ministry I was living by. I thought if students are reading their bible that would be the catalyst of change in their life. Don’t misunderstand me; I do believe God’s word is paramount for a transformed life. That wasn’t the problem. The problem was the same reason kids hate hollow chocolate bunnies at Easter. They lead you to believe their solid but only leave you feeling hollow and gypped from what could be a fuller experience. My belief said if our team produced cutting edge creativity and relevant packaging for preaching and teaching the point would stick. The truth is that although I hit the mark for relevance I created a Teflon culture because of its absence of genuine relationship. You see Matt did something many of the crowd students didn’t do. He had consistent attendance and devotions for half a year. It doesn’t get more sincere then that. Yet it didn’t seem sincere enough because the door for mat was a revolving one. Where did I fail this young man? I believe I failed him in the area of relational Discipleship. Although he had the mechanics of discipleship functioning and even a respect for the leader, he never really was fully accepted into the community of the youth because I failed to produce an environment of genuine relational disciples. I was too busy polishing the next creative sermon and conducting students to find a role in the play I was producing. That’s not ministry, that’s creative management. People want to be wanted and need to be needed and most importantly they need to believe you actually want them there. Or at least notice if there gone. When the Holy Spirit came on the day of Pentecost as a welcomed guest he showed up in a mighty rushing wind. When his relational value was reduced in Sampson’s life he left so quietly that the Bible says Sampson “Did not know that the spirit had departed from him”. How do guests, students or visitors of you ministry feel when they arrive? Are they welcomed? Do people engage them? Have you trained those you influence to realize the reason we exist is to connect such people? Because although Matt didn’t enter our group like a mighty rushing wind he certainly left so quietly no one cared, let alone knew that he was gone. This is the point when leader’s blame their followers for being click driven but the truth is they are merely reflecting the values we’ve instilled in them.

I’ve lived in New England my whole life. The culture can be as cold as the weather. As I reflect on Matt I’ve had much time to think about his situation. Why is it we find gay bars? Maybe we have hidden behind relevance and creative ministry marketing so much that we failed to see the example Christ left us was one of relational discipleship. The reason we have gay bars is not merely because those who attend are gay but because they are accepted, welcomed and loved. The problem is the church has failed to remember Paul’s admonishment in Romans 3:19 “no one will be declared righteous by observing the Law, but rather through the Law we become conscious of sin”. Yet the church has continually executes a campaign that has held up the law to shame this community into biblical living. How foolish! That is so far from the relational example Christ left us. Look at his monthly schedule, “lunch with a money laundering crook Zacheus, a drink by a well with a prostitute, a family reunion with publican, tax collectors and sinners.” My point is we are perpetuating the same error the 1st century Jew of the Gospels warns us against. That is avoiding relationship until discipleship living is demonstrated. All of my endeavors apart from the love of genuine relationship are in vein. As leaders we’ve learned the response we get from saying “people don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care” but we haven’t learned the results of living out such statements in the context of true relational discipleship. Sticky situations like the one I experienced with matt are no match for the Teflon environment I put him in. Don’t get me wrong here; I’m not suggesting we embrace the sin with the sinner, forever. Just until enough relationship is created that they see we really do know how much we care that they actually care how much we know what Christ can do to change their lives. This is the point where I wish I cold reach out of the page and shake you or have you look me in the face and see the brokenness of my half time moment in the locker room where Coach Jesus helped me see it’s not the famous play I need to win the championship, it’s the meaningful one. That meaningful play is a strategy of relationship. If it helps you hear me clearer, think of this as a coach shouting in your face. Were getting killed out there. The score board proves it and we need to change the play book to a strategy of offence that reduces peoples defense. We need to exercise relationship in our lives and the lives of those we mentor or were going to loose this game.