Chapter II.
“Non-stick surfaces for sticky situations”
Years ago when I worked as a youth pastor in New England I learned the inseparable value of relationship to discipline students. Although I would like to think my amazing messages and creative illustrated sermons did the trick, I have come to realize in retrospect that it was the tireless hours of hang time, road trips and moments of relationship that gave weight to my words. I honestly believe some of the most effective moments I had with students didn’t take place from behind the pulpit, but rather in taco bell before church, home depot on an errand or the living room of homes as we laughed, played games and practiced human videos (When they were actually cool). I’m glad to say so many of these students, I mean friends, have gone on to prepare for ministry. I have even had the privilege of teaching a few of them in my classes at the Bible College I serve at currently. Nothing has made me prouder as a youth pastor than to see so many of our kids further the call of their lives we discovered together through relational discipleship.
My first mentor, Brian Griswold, told me that life is like a football game. The first half everyone tries to execute the play that will make them famous. When half time comes and you’re loosing, you realize it’s not the great play, but the meaningful and strategic one that will win the game for you. I will never forget my half time moment. It was the day a students mother introduced me to her son Mat. Matt believed he was born gay, and although he felt tremendous guilt for his actions, he also believed his genetic structure produced the life style and passion of his behavior beyond his ability to control. In novice arrogance I took the challenge of working with this young man. Little did I realize that our roles of student and teacher would be reversed?
My challenge to Matt was based on a belief that if he just put himself in proximity to the preaching and teaching of Gods word, somehow he would miraculously be transformed and realized his sin and repents to experience the freedom of Christ. I told him for the next six months to read his Bible every day, attend youth group and church each time the doors were opened and be open. It seemed like a good plan. Little did I realize it would explode in my face? I’m sorry to say at the end of the journey Matt remained unconvinced I was right and walked out the door. At first I convinced myself the reason he didn’t change was insincerity on his part. At least that administered anesthesia to the gnawing of failure in my soul. But I believe some of the responsibility fell upon the flawed philosophy of ministry I was living by. I thought if students are reading their bible that would be the catalyst of change in their life. Don’t misunderstand me; I do believe God’s word is paramount for a transformed life. That wasn’t the problem. The problem was the same reason kids hate hollow chocolate bunnies at Easter. They lead you to believe their solid but only leave you feeling hollow and gypped from what could be a fuller experience. My belief said if our team produced cutting edge creativity and relevant packaging for preaching and teaching the point would stick. The truth is that although I hit the mark for relevance I created a Teflon culture because of its absence of genuine relationship. You see Matt did something many of the crowd students didn’t do. He had consistent attendance and devotions for half a year. It doesn’t get more sincere then that. Yet it didn’t seem sincere enough because the door for mat was a revolving one. Where did I fail this young man? I believe I failed him in the area of relational Discipleship. Although he had the mechanics of discipleship functioning and even a respect for the leader, he never really was fully accepted into the community of the youth because I failed to produce an environment of genuine relational disciples. I was too busy polishing the next creative sermon and conducting students to find a role in the play I was producing. That’s not ministry, that’s creative management. People want to be wanted and need to be needed and most importantly they need to believe you actually want them there. Or at least notice if there gone. When the Holy Spirit came on the day of Pentecost as a welcomed guest he showed up in a mighty rushing wind. When his relational value was reduced in Sampson’s life he left so quietly that the Bible says Sampson “Did not know that the spirit had departed from him”. How do guests, students or visitors of you ministry feel when they arrive? Are they welcomed? Do people engage them? Have you trained those you influence to realize the reason we exist is to connect such people? Because although Matt didn’t enter our group like a mighty rushing wind he certainly left so quietly no one cared, let alone knew that he was gone. This is the point when leader’s blame their followers for being click driven but the truth is they are merely reflecting the values we’ve instilled in them.
I’ve lived in New England my whole life. The culture can be as cold as the weather. As I reflect on Matt I’ve had much time to think about his situation. Why is it we find gay bars? Maybe we have hidden behind relevance and creative ministry marketing so much that we failed to see the example Christ left us was one of relational discipleship. The reason we have gay bars is not merely because those who attend are gay but because they are accepted, welcomed and loved. The problem is the church has failed to remember Paul’s admonishment in Romans 3:19 “no one will be declared righteous by observing the Law, but rather through the Law we become conscious of sin”. Yet the church has continually executes a campaign that has held up the law to shame this community into biblical living. How foolish! That is so far from the relational example Christ left us. Look at his monthly schedule, “lunch with a money laundering crook Zacheus, a drink by a well with a prostitute, a family reunion with publican, tax collectors and sinners.” My point is we are perpetuating the same error the 1st century Jew of the Gospels warns us against. That is avoiding relationship until discipleship living is demonstrated. All of my endeavors apart from the love of genuine relationship are in vein. As leaders we’ve learned the response we get from saying “people don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care” but we haven’t learned the results of living out such statements in the context of true relational discipleship. Sticky situations like the one I experienced with matt are no match for the Teflon environment I put him in. Don’t get me wrong here; I’m not suggesting we embrace the sin with the sinner, forever. Just until enough relationship is created that they see we really do know how much we care that they actually care how much we know what Christ can do to change their lives. This is the point where I wish I cold reach out of the page and shake you or have you look me in the face and see the brokenness of my half time moment in the locker room where Coach Jesus helped me see it’s not the famous play I need to win the championship, it’s the meaningful one. That meaningful play is a strategy of relationship. If it helps you hear me clearer, think of this as a coach shouting in your face. Were getting killed out there. The score board proves it and we need to change the play book to a strategy of offence that reduces peoples defense. We need to exercise relationship in our lives and the lives of those we mentor or were going to loose this game.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Relational Discipleship in Youth Ministry
Chapter I.
Crab Boats and Carnival Cruises
“Sailing on the right ship, Relationship”
People won’t jump on a sinking ship! Yeah, well they sure won’t jump on anything that floats either. That’s the act of a desperate man with no options. People hate to appear desperate. Some might even choose to go down with the ship before sending such a message. And the truth is there are more options, destinations and opportunities that present themselves to people that the church needs to rethink the way we are calling the world aboard. The truth is people around us are choosing not to hop on the church boat while we are missing the boat of opportunity.
I have a friend named Jude. He is one of those rare individuals you wish were mass produced for friendship sake. Always positive, forever adventurous and always finds what he wants to do and does it, no questions asked. I remember he had a dream to sail the seas. He’s landed a few jobs in the field. I will never forget the day he resigned from crabbing. “Paul,” he said, “I love working on the sea, I live for it, but if there was ever a time I was in fear for loosing my life, it was then”. Having three kids and a beautiful wife he chose to give up the pay and passion for preserving his future. Nothing could have kept Jude from the sea, he was born for it like every lad raised in New England. But it wasn’t the adventure and the ocean that turned him back. It was the ship he sailed on that forced his decision to step on dry land and never leave port again.
I think Jude could teach us something. Because the truth is it’s not the sea that scares people, it’s the boat. The church has become a high risk to the culture and people ask, “Is the adventure worth it”? In the end, many choose to stay on the shore.
One time a group of men were mending nets by their boats. They loved the water. They lived for it. And along came a man who gave the rare rabbinic invitation “follow me”. In other words Jesus shouted “ALL ABOARD”. What was it that moved these men to sail the open seas of this invitation that would lead to the death of their leader. What was it about this leader that forged a furry for their captain that produced sailors who followed this captain to their death, some gruesome and torteourous deaths? What was it about Jesus that could invite a person to sail uncharted waters in the culture?
It was relationship!
It is a rare and unsinkable vessel made for circling the Globe! The word itself says it, relation-ship. A boat that is moved by the wind of relation. Sails that are driven by the force of friendship and accessibility that give stability when waves rock the boat.
Have you ever taken a cruise?
Picture it. Deck after deck of living rooms designed to accommodate the passengers. Structures so big that you rarely feel you’re on the ocean, if ever at all. The food, oh the food… Its one thing to have a few options. It’s another to have a buffet of fine cuisine. In fact food become art as fruit is fashioned to appear as vibrant as floral arrangements. But it doesn’t end there. Evening Diner Theater is provided with amazing acts and hilarious comedians. If that weren’t enough you have the option to swim in one of several pools or just do your daily jog around the deck to work up a sweat worth cooling. To cap it off there is always some exotic destination to make port in where the opportunity to scuba dive, snorkel or parasail presents a once in a life time experience.
What one would you take? The carnival cruise or the crab boat?
Why is it the average pastor remains one to three years? The same reason half of all marriages end in divorce, the inability to cultivate a relationship worth storming the weather. Even in parenting the classic adage says “Rules without relationship leads to rebellion”.
Man church cultures have lost the anchor of the timeless truth that Christ’s ministry and ours should be driven by the winds of relationship. It is not only the ship, but also the safe harbor of a familiar face that keeps us sheltered from harm when the hurricanes of life hit.
One day Jesus decided to pick a crew that would go with him into uncharted waters. What was it like for Magellan when he attempted to solicit a crew to circumvent the globe in a time the world clung to the notion that they sailed on a flat reality you could fall off of? It was probably just as radical and awe inspiring as Christ gathering his “disciples”. Their was about as much risk involved as there was for my friend Jude and his crab boating job. The difference was the mates had a confidence in their captain’s cause fostered from a personal relationship with him. The Bible says that when Jesus chose the twelve he “called them to himself”. Think of that for a minute. Imagine a general who has hang time with the privates or a CEO willing to do time with the mail room workers. It rarely happens if ever. But not with Jesus. They didn’t just take orders from this captain, they shared his quarters. And he shared their work. Jesus didn’t just say “Peter, swap the deck”! He got a mop in the form of a towel and washed their feet. He was a relational captain. And if a man or woman dares to be such a leader they will never lack a crew willing to go to the ends of the earth and beyond risking all for such a salt.
I have spent the last thirteen years of my life in church and Para church ministry. A majority of it was spent in the Inner City of Providence RI under one of the most relational ministers I have ever known, Pastor Brian Griswold. In fact, when I arrived in the city his family condensed their room accommodations and took me into their home for half a year. They inconvenienced their home to make me feel like one of the family.
Years prior and after my arrival we worked in some of the roughest neighborhoods in the city. We would hear of countless people being robbed, beaten up and even on occasion murdered in some of the places we ministered. And in all honesty I can say I never once felt threatened or in danger because the relationship we cultivated with this community. In fact, on day as I was walking through the neighborhood a 250 man came charging at me shouting “What are doing here white boy!” for a moment I panicked. But managed to squeak out “I’m here for Side Walk Sunday School”. He stopped in his tracks and said, “all right man, that’s great, helping the kids”. Although the city’s crime statistics were significantly increased by what took place in this neighborhood, we were never one of those numbers. Why? Because we cultivated relationship. We learned names, asked about their families, treated people with dignity and in return won their loyalty. To this day I stop into the recreation center from time to time and say hello to Lynn Tavares, program co-coordinator. People try to press programming and get access only to meet red tape. But not with us. Lynn always says “Chad Brown has always been a better place when Yogi Bear was here”. Why would she say such a thing? We didn’t have any frills bells or whistles with our program. But we did have and strived to achieve was relationship.
Relationship says “I won’t leave anyone marooned”
Relationship says “Everyone makes a significant contribution”
Relationship says “We can weather this storm together:
Relationship says “The crew is more important than the cargo”
Relationship says “We split the profit of the catch together.”
The truth is many a church is adding to the crew but the ship doesn’t have the heart to keep them all afloat. Relational captains know how to find a crew and keep them. And when to build a fleet and expand it.
Just because it floats, doesn’t mean anyone will jump aboard. They need to have confidence in the captain. They have to believe the ship can accommodate them. They want to hear adventure awaits that is worth daring dangerous waters. And they need to believe the captain and the crew care enough to turn back if a man goes over board.
Why is it this generation of students and adults are experiencing God and community in small groups and house churches? It is because they desire a ship called relationship. They crave to be wanted and needed. All of the gadgets we surround ourselves with may have served the greater good but have also served to undermine the common good of relationship. Text messages and email are good but still lack the personal touch of relationship this generation craves and needs.
Crab Boats and Carnival Cruises
“Sailing on the right ship, Relationship”
People won’t jump on a sinking ship! Yeah, well they sure won’t jump on anything that floats either. That’s the act of a desperate man with no options. People hate to appear desperate. Some might even choose to go down with the ship before sending such a message. And the truth is there are more options, destinations and opportunities that present themselves to people that the church needs to rethink the way we are calling the world aboard. The truth is people around us are choosing not to hop on the church boat while we are missing the boat of opportunity.
I have a friend named Jude. He is one of those rare individuals you wish were mass produced for friendship sake. Always positive, forever adventurous and always finds what he wants to do and does it, no questions asked. I remember he had a dream to sail the seas. He’s landed a few jobs in the field. I will never forget the day he resigned from crabbing. “Paul,” he said, “I love working on the sea, I live for it, but if there was ever a time I was in fear for loosing my life, it was then”. Having three kids and a beautiful wife he chose to give up the pay and passion for preserving his future. Nothing could have kept Jude from the sea, he was born for it like every lad raised in New England. But it wasn’t the adventure and the ocean that turned him back. It was the ship he sailed on that forced his decision to step on dry land and never leave port again.
I think Jude could teach us something. Because the truth is it’s not the sea that scares people, it’s the boat. The church has become a high risk to the culture and people ask, “Is the adventure worth it”? In the end, many choose to stay on the shore.
One time a group of men were mending nets by their boats. They loved the water. They lived for it. And along came a man who gave the rare rabbinic invitation “follow me”. In other words Jesus shouted “ALL ABOARD”. What was it that moved these men to sail the open seas of this invitation that would lead to the death of their leader. What was it about this leader that forged a furry for their captain that produced sailors who followed this captain to their death, some gruesome and torteourous deaths? What was it about Jesus that could invite a person to sail uncharted waters in the culture?
It was relationship!
It is a rare and unsinkable vessel made for circling the Globe! The word itself says it, relation-ship. A boat that is moved by the wind of relation. Sails that are driven by the force of friendship and accessibility that give stability when waves rock the boat.
Have you ever taken a cruise?
Picture it. Deck after deck of living rooms designed to accommodate the passengers. Structures so big that you rarely feel you’re on the ocean, if ever at all. The food, oh the food… Its one thing to have a few options. It’s another to have a buffet of fine cuisine. In fact food become art as fruit is fashioned to appear as vibrant as floral arrangements. But it doesn’t end there. Evening Diner Theater is provided with amazing acts and hilarious comedians. If that weren’t enough you have the option to swim in one of several pools or just do your daily jog around the deck to work up a sweat worth cooling. To cap it off there is always some exotic destination to make port in where the opportunity to scuba dive, snorkel or parasail presents a once in a life time experience.
What one would you take? The carnival cruise or the crab boat?
Why is it the average pastor remains one to three years? The same reason half of all marriages end in divorce, the inability to cultivate a relationship worth storming the weather. Even in parenting the classic adage says “Rules without relationship leads to rebellion”.
Man church cultures have lost the anchor of the timeless truth that Christ’s ministry and ours should be driven by the winds of relationship. It is not only the ship, but also the safe harbor of a familiar face that keeps us sheltered from harm when the hurricanes of life hit.
One day Jesus decided to pick a crew that would go with him into uncharted waters. What was it like for Magellan when he attempted to solicit a crew to circumvent the globe in a time the world clung to the notion that they sailed on a flat reality you could fall off of? It was probably just as radical and awe inspiring as Christ gathering his “disciples”. Their was about as much risk involved as there was for my friend Jude and his crab boating job. The difference was the mates had a confidence in their captain’s cause fostered from a personal relationship with him. The Bible says that when Jesus chose the twelve he “called them to himself”. Think of that for a minute. Imagine a general who has hang time with the privates or a CEO willing to do time with the mail room workers. It rarely happens if ever. But not with Jesus. They didn’t just take orders from this captain, they shared his quarters. And he shared their work. Jesus didn’t just say “Peter, swap the deck”! He got a mop in the form of a towel and washed their feet. He was a relational captain. And if a man or woman dares to be such a leader they will never lack a crew willing to go to the ends of the earth and beyond risking all for such a salt.
I have spent the last thirteen years of my life in church and Para church ministry. A majority of it was spent in the Inner City of Providence RI under one of the most relational ministers I have ever known, Pastor Brian Griswold. In fact, when I arrived in the city his family condensed their room accommodations and took me into their home for half a year. They inconvenienced their home to make me feel like one of the family.
Years prior and after my arrival we worked in some of the roughest neighborhoods in the city. We would hear of countless people being robbed, beaten up and even on occasion murdered in some of the places we ministered. And in all honesty I can say I never once felt threatened or in danger because the relationship we cultivated with this community. In fact, on day as I was walking through the neighborhood a 250 man came charging at me shouting “What are doing here white boy!” for a moment I panicked. But managed to squeak out “I’m here for Side Walk Sunday School”. He stopped in his tracks and said, “all right man, that’s great, helping the kids”. Although the city’s crime statistics were significantly increased by what took place in this neighborhood, we were never one of those numbers. Why? Because we cultivated relationship. We learned names, asked about their families, treated people with dignity and in return won their loyalty. To this day I stop into the recreation center from time to time and say hello to Lynn Tavares, program co-coordinator. People try to press programming and get access only to meet red tape. But not with us. Lynn always says “Chad Brown has always been a better place when Yogi Bear was here”. Why would she say such a thing? We didn’t have any frills bells or whistles with our program. But we did have and strived to achieve was relationship.
Relationship says “I won’t leave anyone marooned”
Relationship says “Everyone makes a significant contribution”
Relationship says “We can weather this storm together:
Relationship says “The crew is more important than the cargo”
Relationship says “We split the profit of the catch together.”
The truth is many a church is adding to the crew but the ship doesn’t have the heart to keep them all afloat. Relational captains know how to find a crew and keep them. And when to build a fleet and expand it.
Just because it floats, doesn’t mean anyone will jump aboard. They need to have confidence in the captain. They have to believe the ship can accommodate them. They want to hear adventure awaits that is worth daring dangerous waters. And they need to believe the captain and the crew care enough to turn back if a man goes over board.
Why is it this generation of students and adults are experiencing God and community in small groups and house churches? It is because they desire a ship called relationship. They crave to be wanted and needed. All of the gadgets we surround ourselves with may have served the greater good but have also served to undermine the common good of relationship. Text messages and email are good but still lack the personal touch of relationship this generation craves and needs.
Monday, February 1, 2010
Youth Ministry Coffee Chat
If we were at starbucks and you had a chance to ask anything, what would it be?
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